book of dreams

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"If you didn't care then you wouldn't be complaining"
- Angela ching.

Saturday, December 31, 2011,12:33 AM

Fuck you dad.

Second time I'm ranting about the thoughts of parents. Fuck you dad, I seriously don't fucking understand what the fuck is wrong with you. How the fuck does a blow dryer in the fucking bathroom of your room upset you? I said I'd fucking put it away fucks sake. It wasn't even fucking bothering you. if it was, I'd understand, but you just needed the fucking bed to do shit for fucks sake. Since when the fuck did you sleep on the bathroom counter bench shit?

I don't regret swearing at you, and I wish I fucking kicked you harder. Where did I learn to swear? You're a fucking stupid cunt. You don't LEARN to swear. You just pick it up because fucking society always swears. As immature as this sounds, you fucking started it, so I don't plan to forgive you. You started yelling, not me, so fucking calm your tits. I don't give a fuck whose head of the family. If you don't show me respect, I don't respect you either.

Don't fucking touch me I swear to god. Don't fucking push me, don't grab my wrists. I still haven't fucking forgiven you for hitting me when I was 5. You want me to be disciplined? Then don't fucking treat me like this. Everytime you hit me, it doesn't fucking discipline me, it just makes me angry and if I was to succumb to what you wanted me to do, that'd hurt my pride. So I wouldn't even follow whatever the fuck you wanted me to do. Simply so that you don't feel satisfied.

Don't mean to sound like a bitch, but fuck you. Fuck you for jarring my thumb you mother fucker and right now I feel like fucking walking into your room and elbowing your temples till you black the fuck out or something.

It's faggots like you and other creeps that roam the streets that make me wanna learn Muay Thai or some other shit to learn how to fucking punch someone properly. Fuck you. You're lucky this wasn't NYE otherwise you would've fucking shitted on my 2011 and started my 2012 in a shit way.

Who are you to tell me what to do? I don't give a fuck if you're my dad. You deserve no more respect than a stranger on the streets. Just when I thought you were fucking getting better, you always fuck it up. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. I don't even give a shit if you don't progress, it's you, not me. And that doesn't concern me at all. Not a bit. Not the slightest.

angelaching.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011,5:05 PM

Define good and bad.

1am in the morning last night, and my mum and I was sitting on my bed talking.

The first thing she said was "You know, when you were little, on the last day, the baby sitter who was my friend handed you back to me for the last time and said 'She's an intelligent one, just don't let her stray into the wrong path, her intelligence will probably be her downfall'"

I responded with "Huh?'

"I was talking with Uncle Ken tonight and we were at Karaoke with a few of my mates. As they were singing he said to me "Your daughter is intelligent and she's obedient. She loves you just as much as you love her. Don't let her stray into the wrong path, because once she does, you'll be spending your days crying."

"Mum, I won't. Seriously, I swear, I've been so anti-social, I'm not stupid enough to let that happen, I care about my studies."

"He said 'Don't let her stay out too late and just keep an eye on her and remind her time to time', I guess what he said is true Angela. You're still young, but you're not a baby anymore. Yet not old enough to be an adult."

"Yes mum, the word you're looking for is called a teenager".

The start of this conversation then led onto a topic that had me up till 3am in the morning thinking. She said that she didn't want me hanging out with the 'bad' kids because then I'll be influenced. I knew which kids she meant. The ones who smoke, got pregnant, fucked around, did drugs, alcohol etc. She didn't want me going around sleeping with other guys because she thought I'll turn out to be like 'one of them'.

I guess I kinda wanted to tell her that those types of people she considers 'bad', aren't even bad at all. They're nice, I like them, and if she found out I hung around with them, I'd probably never see living day light again. But it goes to show, just how little my mum knows about me. Because I DO hang around with the people she wouldn't want me to. Yet I'm not influenced, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't even drink anymore. She thinks I'm immature yet I've been told by others I can act twice my age.

Yes mum, I'm a girl. Yes mum, I'm 15. Yes mum, I'm not fully an adult... But no mum, you don't know as much about myself as you think you do. And the bad thing is that I can't tell her anything incase she fully freaks out. My social life doesn't need to be anymore ruined than I'm already making it.

They're not bad people mum, how can you say that? You barely even know the people you're so generally categorising... Perhaps I'm already on the wrong path, but I sure as hell don't regret it. I can't be fully on the good path. You said that once you go to the bad path, you can't go back to the good. Then what if I told you that I'm on the crack between those two paths? I'm on the path that isn't stupid enough to be defined by parents.

If I told you everything I've done, would you take suddenly not trust me anymore?

angelaching.

Monday, December 26, 2011,1:45 PM

Chin up and we'll drown a little slower.

I don't think you have any idea, the effect you can have on me. Every word you say, I've somehow learnt to be thankful that you're talking to me at all. 2012 is coming, are we still gonna be this close? Or are you gonna get sick of me.

How many more days, months, years, till we just become strangers with a history?

You know the reason why I don't think our conversations are the same? I think it's because every word I say to you, I'm scared I might lose you. I wouldn't know how you're gonna react to it. And whilst we're having the conversation, deep in the background lurking there's a sign hanging that only I can see, "Whatever you say, he'll get sick of you in the end". I'm grateful you told me, because I was let into another part of your mind, but now every time I talk to you, I wonder if that conversation will be our last. I mean how can I not? The prospect of you just 'not being fucked anymore' suddenly became too realistic.

angelaching.

Sunday, December 25, 2011,5:41 PM

Wish you were here with me.

You know, somehow, I think that even if the rest of the world suddenly ceased existence, I'd still be okay if you were alive. Pretty selfish right? Since no one is probably gonna read this, I'm just gonna write to my heart's content. It's somehow more comforting knowing that since no one is gonna read this, that whatever I say people won't come up to me and ask me 'What's wrong?'

I don't know what's wrong. Infact, I'm meant to be better than this. I've built up months, possibly years of resistance so hopefully I won't end up breaking down but hey, look where that got me. Possibly in 20 years time I won't even remember this time of my life, but right now it's consuming every thought that I've thought. I don't know, non-stop thinking about you is really unhealthy. What's even more unhealthy is that I can't talk to anyone about it. What would my friends say? They wouldn't even understand this shit. I know things are gonna come through alright in the end, but the process of waiting till everything is fine is fucking agonising.

It's the feeling of being completely empty. Like I'm living and everyday seems like a normal one, yet I know it's far from normal. It's the type of tiredness that can't be cured with sleep. It's funny how the world keeps turning amidst all the situations that fly by in your head. How the world keeps on progressing even though your world feels shattered apart. You look around and like always, people are rushing to work, your parents are cleaning the house, people are frantically updating their status on Facebook, yet everything now seems so different to you. But the weird thing is, that you're also doing it too. I'd wake up, like always, brush my teeth, wash my face, make that routined trip to the bathroom, eat my breakfast, turn on my computer, read a book, everything seems so normal. But if everything was so strategic then why do I feel like everything is wrong?

Pathetic as it is, I really miss you. I miss the comfort you gave me that only you could give. I wish things didn't happen this way, and I wonder that if in 1 month time when you come back, will things still be the same? What if you never hit your dad? What then? Would I be in this state? Would the past 3 nights of phoning you till 5am still hold the same conversations and topics that we had? Or would we just continuously joke like any phone call without a worry in the world?

I don't know how I become so emotional, when I swore to myself I'd never cry over stupid stuff. It leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable, and I hate that feeling so much. I shouldn't have cried, yet I did. And everything that came out of my mouth that time when I was feeling at my lowest, do I regret saying them? At least you know my thoughts, the thoughts I couldn't normally say when I was in my normal trance. But now that you know, did I really want you to know this new side of me? This side that I hardly show anyone else?

I guess you don't know how it feels to have people say 'I just can't be fucked with you anymore'. Does that mean you made a huge amount of effort to 'put up with me' for the last 10 months? Was I that much of a pain in the ass? Or did you just seek something in our relationship? Couldn't we just have a relationship without you aiming for anything in the end? Or was I just a puzzle you wanted to solve, so that when you're finished with me, you'll seek a new one? Or perhaps it was the prospect of you not being able to finish me the made you say that. But then I ask myself, out of all the possible puzzles you had out there to solve, why was I miraculously given to you? I purposely make myself 'distant yet not distant' because I like to test people's patience. If you can't be fucked with me in the end, what makes you think that I'll think you're worth it? Yet I can't hate you even though you say that shit to me. How could I? How the fuck am I meant to hate the person that I gain the most happiness from?

Perhaps it's my mistake. My mistake for always being dependant on you to make me happy. Is it that, I wonder? To be honest I think the only reason I was so sure of you was because I thought you'd never leave. Now I'm half beating myself up because I shouldn't have been so sure. 10 months isn't a long time, but I thought we shared something special. Or maybe special isn't even the right word, but I know I'm not gonna find a relationship that I had/have with you, with anybody else. I'm pretty fucking sure of that. You know me more than anybody else, so what made you think you weren't gaining any progress? It's going around in fucking circles, in the end I blame myself and not you.

Maybe I shouldn't have restrained so much.

Maybe I shouldn't have tested you.

Maybe I shouldn't have relied on you.

Maybe so many fucking things and now I'm starting to wonder when it was that I actually made it feel all so fucked up for you.

I can't stop thinking about you. You said I had you wrapped around my little pinky, that things always went by in my pace, but now I'm beginning to doubt that. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess I've learnt to experience that in the past few days. Too bad there's another 40 something days of it to go.

angelaching.